


Ballade Du Hero's Dechu

by Weird_Writing_Mimicry



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Bullying, Depressed America (Hetalia), Mental Abuse, Mental Health Issues, Other, Physical Abuse, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2019-12-25 08:47:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18257855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weird_Writing_Mimicry/pseuds/Weird_Writing_Mimicry
Summary: What did I do to deserve this? Why? It hurts...why can't they leave me alone?I'm sorry....I'm so sorry.





	1. A Little In Site Goes A long Way

       Hi guys, this is my very first Hetalia fanfic, so please try to be nice and give advice & criticism if you want (rude or mean words will be ignored). I will give a warning, this fanfic will have depressive themes, suicidal thoughts, tendencies (meaning self-harm), and/or actual suicide, verbal/physical abuse, threats of verbal/physical abuse, and swearing. If you are at all sensitive to these topics then I employ you to please not read this fanfic, if you don't like it then DO NOT read it. Also, there might be a little oocness in this fanfic. I also DO NOT own any of these characters, they belong to Hidekaz Himaruya. 

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                                      _~Alfred's POV~_  
        I wake up with the sheets tangled around my legs, the light filtering through the crack of the curtains. The bright beam of light burning my dull blue eyes, my alarm on my bedside table screeching unholy to wake up and start this miserable day. I cover my eyes with one arm from the stinging sun, sighing heavily, "Maybe I can skip this World Meeting today. " I debate this in head my head for a bit, finally deciding to attend. I groan as I get out bed, trying to blink away the blurry world from my vision. I snatch Texas from the same nightstand my demented alarm clock is, the world finally becomes clear to me, and I glance at the clock that reads 9:30 AM. I worry my lip when I see it, the meeting starts at 10 sharp, so I only have 57 minutes to get there or I'll be late. "Ugh, there is no way to skip this without the other nations asking questions. I don't want them bothering me with their suspicions." When I stretch my achy limps next to my messy I feel the burn of my cuts on my arms and thighs, scratching at them with a grimace. I get ready in the cold, blindly white bathroom, brushing the acid taste out of while and very lightly bushing out my brittle, now pale straw-colored hair so no more strands fall out. I emptily stare at the spider wed of cracks on the mirror, remembering the day I broke down from the verbal abuse and punched it. The feeling of blood pouring from my shredding knuckles and pouring into my shaking fists still fresh in my mind, so broken from it all and the regrets that I stopped caring. I just...stopped caring. In fact...I'm starting to believe those words, I do deserve the pain I am inflicting on myself. I wish.... I wish I could just stay in my peaceful dreams forever and let all this melt away. I finished in the bathroom, getting dressed in my usual clothes with a few minutes left to show up to the meeting. Unluckily this meeting is in Washington, D.C, I know every chance they will make fun of me and President Cheeto. I better stop at Micky's D so the others will think everything is normal. I drive through the drive-through and getting something small with no drink, I'm not going to eat it so I might as well not be too wasteful. At least that something right I could do. When I get there, I stand at the double doors that will lead me into the meeting room I try to compose myself before I go in. Hero's don't cry, they are strong. Heroes are invincible, nothing gets to them...this maybe be harder than I thought. I finally build up enough neve to go through these dreaded doors, slamming them open and laughing obnoxiously loud. "Hahahaha! The hero has arrived!", I spit out, trying not to vomit at those poisonous words. "About bloody time America! Now shut up and sit down for once, nobody wants to hear your annoying voice, you twat." England, of course. My so called 'parents' even joined the 'Abuse Alfred Bandwagon'. I try not to show him how much that sentence hurt me, giving England my Hollywood smile, "Whatever dude! You're just jealous of the hero." I hear Germany sigh , probably shaking his head behind me, "Just vit down, America." I sit down next to my brother Canada, at least he keeps quiet. I endure the jeers of my peers, trying to ignore their smirks and evil grins. The meeting went on like this until Italy starts to ramble to Germany about pasta and England & France argued about nothing, like always. Fantastic, maybe I won't present and this meeting won't be completely useless. "Everyone quiet!", Germany finally yelled, the other nations settling down. "America vill present first today, please come up." Oh god no, pleeease no. As I slowly walk up to the podium I hear a country whisper something to the country next to him/her, "Why even bother? That fat ass is just going to waste our precious time anyway." I bit my lip, starting my presentation, "So today's topic is..Global Warming. So, I was thinking-", England interrupts me, "You thinking? Ha! Why don't you just shut up and sit down, you idiot." I clear my throat, "As I was saying, I think we should send a satellite to space to circle the Earth and monitor-" This time Russia interrupts me, "That vould be a vaste of money and time, Америка. Ve all don't need more garbage polluting space." I feel my fake smile twitch, just a little, "Well if you don't like that I could-" I feel a hand on my shoulder, sighing Germany tell me, "Go sit down, Amerika." I slump my shoulders, not in defeat, but in relief of not being in the brunt of their ridicule. The meeting continues as normal, well, as normal as it can be with the other nations snickering and whispering insults behind my back. I finally relax when Germany ends the meeting early. I gathered my things and just as I was about to leave Finland walks up to me with his brows furrowed in worry, "Hei, Amerikka." Damn, I was so close. "Ah, hey Finland? How are the other Nordics doing?", I greet him. Finland smiles at me, "They are all doing well. Sweden is, of course, still calling me his wife. Sealand and Iceland is growing still, while Norway is still trying to make him say big brother. Denmark wouldn't min one of the Awesome Trio over for drinks. Anyway...." Oh, he got serious fast. "How are you?" I scratch he back of my neck, "Why do you ask?" Finland frowns, "They were pretty hash with you." I chuckle, hoping it doesn't sound forced, "That? They were just kidding around, didn't mean anything by it. Hahaha...." Finland gave me doubtful look, putting a hand on my shoulder which made me tense, "You can come visit us anytime, I'm sure we'd love a chat over hot coco." I smile truly, "I would like that." We talk for a bit more until we say our good byes, I wave goodbye to the front desk clerk and stand in the rain, liking the feel the cold rain numbing my skin. Days like this are the best, I can forget my pain for a bit. After a few minutes I decide to walk home so I can enjoy the rain, setting my keys on the counter when I get home and heading to my room, flopping on my bed. I curl up on top of the still shivering and dripping wet, not caring if it gets wet and I close my tired eyes with a deep sigh. I was happy once...carefree playing with my real family and woodland friends, those time I didn't feel any pain. I should've just hid, maybe...maybe things would be different. Maybe I would've stayed happy instead of feeling miserable and pain from abuse. I know now everything is my fault, but I wonder.... wonder how long I will have until the weight of the world shatters me to dust. 

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      I wonder indeed...now if you want to see more, stick around and maybe read my other stories, criticism and comments are great too. And before you all make assumptions that I am depressed I am most certainly not, so don't worry. C: As I like to call it, I am inspired, not depressed.


	2. Becoming Faded

              _~Third Person POV~_  
     The meeting room was once again packed with rambunctious nations, this time it was in London, England. The countries talk among themselves in a disorderly fashion causing chaos in this supposed ‘civil’ meeting. Of course, that was the norm nowadays, but something was wrong. Everyone else was talking loudly or just flat out yelling except for one, America was being eerily quiet and solemn. Not that anyone has noticed for these past years. He sits there with his chin in his hands, dull blue eyes staring off at nothing while everyone around him is lively. America counts the seconds until he can finally go back to isolation, where he can take away the pain. After Germany calmed everyone down and Italy has presented, he steps up to the podium, “Thank you, Italy. Though I don’t think pasta can solve the world’s problems. Next to present is...”, Germany sighs in the middle of this sentence, “America.” He looks at him blankly for a few seconds before he fake smiles, “It’s alright my dude, as the hero I will let someone else go first. Hahahaha!” He gives America a weird look before giving the podium to England, the weird moment already out of his mind. As England is presenting, America has tuned him out and alone with his dark thoughts. “America! Are you even listening to me!?” England yells at him, his face contorted in anger. He doesn’t say a word at the yelling, just looking down at the wooden table. “Of course, you aren’t! You never listen because you always have your head in your arse! God, I wish you would just grow up already!” He continues to bark in America’s face while the nations snicker at his expense. Germany groans in frustration, dragging a hand over his face, “England, that is enough! We won’t get anywhere with you yelling like that, if everyone acts more civilized maybe we would get more things done.” England scowls at Germany and America but stops the yelling while he kept quiet during this whole ordeal, making only one country worried. Canada stares at his brother with a frown and brows furrowed, “What is happening to you?” Kumajiro looks up at his concerned owner, “Nanuq?” He blinks out of his trance, jumping slightly at the voice and stops squeezing the little bear tight, “Oh, sorry Kuma. I was...just thinking about something.” The polar bear stares at Canada for one minute before going back to watching the meeting and he breathes a sigh of relief. ‘Little brother...I just hope this isn’t what I think it is.’, Canada thinks while biting his lip. The meeting ended when Germany lost his cool (again), America rushes out of the room without stopping to chat or a good-bye to any other countries, and he was shaking unnoticeably. He mumbles to himself while swiftly walking down the lengthy hall to the hotel room, “Please, please, please. I need this, please.”, America sighs in relief when he got to the door, fishing the keys out of his pocket and just as he put the key in the door, he hears someone call out to him again. ‘This is becoming annoying.’, he thinks as he sighs and turns around to the person who called him. America sees that it was his brother and his bear Kuma, trying to act normal after scrambling to get inside his room and desperately wanting to relieve the pain inside, “Hey, Canada, bro! How are things in Canadia?” America’s older brother gave him an annoyed look, clearing his throat, “It’s Canada and it’s going well. But anyway, um...ah.” Canada becomes nervous and awkward, scratching the back of his head. This made the youngest nation to become pale on the inside, he tried his hardest not to scratch at his arms for surely, they will bleed for the other country to see. The violet eyed blonde finally spits out what he was trying to say, “I noticed that you were acting differently at the meeting back there and….I was wondering if you were okay.” A harsh voice in America’s head whispers, ‘Just lie, he doesn’t care. Everyone hates you, just lie and make everyone hate you more.’ and he does just that with one of his Hollywood smiles, “No worries man! I’m totally fine, just tired is all.” That makes Canada relax a little, but knows that something is still wrong, “O-Okay. But if you need me, remember, I will always be right here for you.” He smiles a real smile at that,   a drop of hope that is soon lost in an ocean of despair, “Thank you, Mathew. That..really meant a lot to me.” The younger twin pulls the other stunned twin into a hug, walking away after letting go with a pat on the shoulder. Canada stares at the retreating nation, face becoming blank, ‘I seriously doubt he is fine..I’ll just keep an eye on him for now.” He reluctantly walks back to his hotel room in silence but soon the silence broken by Kumajiro complaining about food, causing him to smile and agree to get him some fish with a pat.  
  
                    _~Alfred’s Pov (Meanwhile)~_  
       When I finally get back to my hotel room and now Scot-free, I slide down the door sighing loudly. I head to my bed after I got back up, flopping into my stomach like last time. Maaan was that brutal, first England and then Canada coming to figuring it out. My once colonizer must not care for me...and big brother? probably doesn’t. I mean why would he? I am nothing to anyone. My heart hurts, the pain is back. I need to relieve it. I get up from the bed and go into the bathroom, locking it after I shut it just to be safe. I grab my rusty, blood speckled razor from the cabinet, sitting down near the tub and start my cutting session. I smile with my eyes closed as I feel the warm blood travel down my shredded arms from years of self-abuse. Much better….

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       Gruesome thoughts can lead to gruesome things...wise words indeed. I hope you like this chapter, please remember to leave a comment and watch for more chapters. I don’t care what kind of comment it is, wither it is opinion or criticism, it will help me keep motivated. Please expect another gap as I am focusing on writing the chapters out than doing the method I am currently doing as I get too distracted, I am sorry if this bothers you but I think it is the best way to get chapters out.


	3. Not A Chapter

      Hey guys....I have some bad news for you all (if you actually like my story.) This story from today on will be on hatuis until I say so, I will be more focused on my fantasy stories since they are more my forte. I am sorry for those who have read and liked this story, I just feel like I have more experience with fantasy stories than depressing ones. I don't know how long the hatuis is but I will try to get back into things. Honestly, the story that inspired me (it is called Descent by maxine247 on Wattpad,it it is amazing! Please go read!) is done now and I have no more inspiration, so I will be focus on my more fantasy stories until I get more inspiration. Until then, please go read my other stories and any comments are really appreciated.


	4. Shout Out!

    Since there will be no more chapters until the haitus I wanted to give a shout out to all those who have read my story, thank you all. I truly appreciate that you took your time and read this small writer's stories, please, continue doing so and maybe spread the word of my stories, that would be fantastic.


	5. Some Ideas

 Sooo, I have have hit a block with this story. I have no idea where I will go but I do have some ideas, I just need some feedback. Please comment which plot you would like written in this story.  
  
    **My ideas:**  
       - America comes to turn with himself and becomes his real self without caring what the other   
       nations think.  
         
       - After a terrible meeting full of abuse America kills himself and Canada is with him the   
       whole time, becoming his caretaker after he wakes up from a coma in a younger mindset.  
  
       - America goes to drink his sorrows away after a family outing, meeting his near boyfriend   
       there after he drunkenly told him about all that has happened to him and after a long while   
       he asked America to marry him but is all a ploy to use him for his power and money.  
  
 That is all the ideas I have to continue on,please remember to comment down below which one you want to see. Also if you, the reader, have any ideas that you want me to try or things to add on to my ideas comment them down below. I would love to see them.


	6. I have a question.

   So, recently I have gotten comments on this story and it got me thinking. This story is the most popular of my stories, so maybe if I start writing this again it will give me a confidence boost and get the ball rolling for my other stories. So what do you guys say? Would anyone like it if I finished this story? Leave a comment down below of what you think and please read my other stories. 


	7. Chapter 3 - Realizations

      Hi, so I finally know what I will be doing for this story. I know, it’s been a loong while. I will be doing a combination of idea 1 and idea 2, thanks to Matvey+99 from ArchiveOfYourOwn and lilyrockerlove from Wattpad, I will be using some of her details from her suggestion. I will also thank all those who gave their thoughts and suggestions, I really do appreciate them. Now to the story!

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                              _~Canada’s Pov (What a twist!)~_

     I stood in my kitchen, making pancakes as my snack for kumahero and me and I think about what happened to my brother a few days ago. He...something is definitely wrong. But Alfred always tells his family what’s wrong, what is he hiding? I was so lost in thought that I almost burnt the pancakes, I turn off the stove quickly and then I stack them on two plates, placing a plate of them in front of kumawhatever then I pour some syrup on top of his before I drown mine. I dig in, smiling at the taste and I shake my head when I see Kumajero already was done eating with his paws and face sticky with syrup. I chuckle, grabbing a wet rag before I start cleaning my squirming bear. My brother still in the back of my mind as I grab the plates to clean after Kuma leaves in a huff, washing them in the sink. I think over my little brother’s behavior for the past months, eyebrows furrowed when I realize that his behavior has been going on for a long while and I stack the last of the dry plates back in the cabinet and I grip the edge of the counter tightly. Not good...not good at all. How has no one noticed this? How did I not notice this? Maybe this is just all in my imagination, I should call someone. Just to make sure. I throw the towel that was on my shoulder onto the sink edge, heading into the living room my cellphone out of my back pocket in my hand and I sit down on the couch, thinking of who to call first. I guess I should call England, he did raise my brother after all. I take a deep breathe before I called, dialing his number and I wait for England to pick up, sighing in relief eternally when I hear a grumpy British voice answer, “Yes? This is Arthur Kirkland speaking.” I lean back on the couch, building up some sort of composure, “Hello Arthur, this is Canada. I wanted to call to ask-” I got cut off, the British man getting annoyed quickly, “Who? Look I’m not going to buy anything or tolerate any prank calls so you can bugger off.” I sigh quietly, biting my lip a little in irritation, “I’m Canada, the landmass above America.” I hear Arthur gives a noise of recognition, becoming nicer over the phone, “Canada, how are you? It’s been a while since you called.” I smile shyly, petting kumajiro’s head once he climbs onto my lap, “I’m doing okay. I actually called to talk about Alfred, my brother.” Arthur huffs, I could just see his big, bushy brows furrowing, “That imbecile? What about him?” I stopped petting my polar bear friend, my smile turning into a frown, “Well, have you noticed anything different? I mean, he seems to me to be acting...weird for a few days.” If Arthur was worried, I didn’t want him to worry more. The ‘gentleman’ scoffs at that, probably rolling his eyes as he said fired back with a sneer, “Oh please, that pig is probably stuffing his face with his greasy, disgusting burgers right now. Not like he needs them, that fat ass should just stop eating if he wants to lose any weight.” I clench my free hand into a fist, subtly shaking with rage, “Thank you for your time, Britian. Good bye.” I quickly hung up on him before he says anything else, taking a few deep breathes. How can he be so cruel?! England raised him for god sakes. I’ve never noticed this before, I thought the others were just joking or making small criticisms. I should’ve realized sooner that these words were hurting him and to what extent. I was growing more worried, chewing on my lip and I decided to call my papa next, jiggling one of my legs as I wait for him to pick up. “Bonjour, monsieur Francis speaking.” I perk up, letting out a huge sigh of relief and a grin was plastered on my face, “Bonjour, papa, how are you?” Maybe he will help me with my brother. “Aah, Matthieu! I am doing quite well. How are you, mon petit ours?” I relax, feeling much more at ease, “I am okay, papa. I didn’t actually call for me, it’s about Alfred.” I wait for a response, begging in my mind that he is just as concerned as I am. And what about him? Did that idiot get you in trouble, mon chu? Honestly, I wish he would just be more like you.” I wince on behalf of my brother, everyone always compares us. It makes me uneasy that it is him not me for once. “Papa...you don’t mean that right? I know he can be obnoxious and loud sometimes, but he’s still a good guy.” I can hear myself getting desperate, my voice shaky and high pitched, “Matthieu, mon cher, calm down. You are getting worked up over nothing. America will be just fine.” I try to take a deep breath as I try to comprehend what Papa had just said, my mind at a complete stop, “Um...I should go, Papa. It was...nice talking to you. Good bye.” I hung up quickly, my hands still shaking as I try to process all this. My brother...he goes through so much. Everyone gives him shit, even his own caretaker. I need to keep a closer eye on him, be there when he needs me. I don’t know if I will be able to stand up for him, most countries see me as invisible, and can’t see ME. I’m a horrible big brother. I didn’t see how hurt he is or even defend him. I sigh deeply, running hands over my mouth, then I let my hands fall with a determined glint in my eye. Well, that changes now. I swear from now on I will be the big brother he needs and actually be there for him.

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     I got a lot of positive feedback so I decided to finish this story. I really hope you like this chapter, if you did leave a comment, I also hope you all will like the direction this story is going.


	8. Book Cover

 

     I am so proud so finally finish this piece, I think it is my best one yet. I did go traditional because I had a very hard time with digital, but I think it turned okay either way. I did use this link: [www.deviantart.com/reijr/art/h…](https://www.deviantart.com/reijr/art/hetalia-america-160710646?offset=75#comments) as a reference, so go look at him/her. They did really good with their art piece. I will admit that I only traced the basic shape of the head and lines for the front piece of hair would lay (Hate me or not for it),everything else was free handed. I hope you all like it and leave what you think in the comments (wether it is about the book cover or the story).


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